We Are Lonely episode two

Episode 2 - looking inward

Jemma Sbeg
We Are Lonely was recorded on a number of Aboriginal lands including Gumbaynggirr Country and across the Kulin nations.
We would like to pay our respects to the custodians and Elders of these nations.
We would also like to pay our respects to the custodians of the land on which you are now listening.

Holly
Isolation has become a habit, and loneliness I guess, it's become a habit for me.

Tim
I think loneliness is something I’ve definitely struggled with.

Deidre Anderson
It’s ok to feel lonely, everybody feels lonely.

Tessa Blencowe
When we don't talk about it, when it's left unsaid that's when it can start to spiral and build up then turn into something much greater.

Ian Hickie
And that has adverse effects on your mental and physical health.

Lisa Mundy
Connection is everything as humans and as mammals we require that connection.

Tessa Blencowe
That anxiety , that trigger of loneliness that we get, when we don't have that is actually really important, because it's that reminder of, okay, there's something missing here, we need to reconnect.

Deidre Anderson
So loneliness to me is a question, rather than a situation that you can’t get out of.

Jemma Sbeg
This is We are Lonely, and I’m Jemma Sbeg.

Aleks
I still end up prioritising work over spending time with people that I love or something like this.

Jemma Sbeg
We've connected four people in their 20’s with mentors who are helping them build strategies to connect.

Charity
Personally when I was younger, I had this sense of family and people coming together and all of that sort of stuff, doesn’t happen any more.

Jemma Sbeg
This show is supported by Medibank.
Before we get into things, I want to let you know that, being a podcast about loneliness, this show gets personal and vulnerable.
At times we’ll be exploring difficult themes including bullying, homophobia and parental abuse.
If this raises any issues for you, you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or go to ReachOut.com which offers dedicated support for young people.

Deidre Anderson
One of the real challenges of re-engaging back into where you see life going is knowledge of yourself and what drives you.

Jemma Sbeg
When you think about loneliness it’s easy to focus on how many friends you have, how connected you are with the outside world.
But loneliness isn’t that simple - you can feel lonely in the company of others and you can feel content alone.
You’ll hear in this episode that we talk about issues that sound very different to loneliness, like bullying and values and self awareness.
These elements of how we move in the world are central to how we experience loneliness and what we need from connection.
Dr Lisa Mundy is a Developmental Psychologist from the Australian Institute of Family Studies.

Lisa Mundy
Understanding what makes you tick, understanding kind of what makes you happy, what makes you sad? And yeah, kind of and how you kind of regulate your emotions as well is really important in this and in understanding this kind of loneliness as well.

Jemma Sbeg
Professor Ian Hickie is a psychiatrist with The University of Sydney’s Brain and Mind Centre.
He says knowing who we really are will also help us work out where we fit in our society.
Because we’re not meant to be the same.

Ian Hickie
But what we are, is important parts of our communities in different ways. And the fact that we are different, is how human society operates. We're all the same, we're all clones, we wouldn't be able to operate at all, we wouldn't have the set of characteristics that we need. Humans on their own are not very capable animals. Humans are capable, because they're very, very functional social groups. And you know, social groups, therefore depend on having this large number of functional individuals, what's your role? Where do you fit in?

Jemma Sbeg
This question of self discovery, of understanding our place, is part of why we can feel particularly disconnected in our twenties.
We’re trying to find the answers to those questions - Who am I? Where do I fit? Where do I want to be? Who are my people?
And at the same time we’re sorting out the practicalities of living in the world outside of our family.
It can be overwhelming.

Deidre Anderson
If I want to build a brick wall it starts with one brick, it doesn’t start by seeing the whole wall, sometimes when we get passionate about something, we only see the brick wall but what I want to help you with is to see the single brick

Jemma Sbeg
Charity and her mentor Dee are starting this process of self focus by looking at her core values.

Deidre Anderson
Too often many of us don’t know what our values are. They’re the things  that make us angry, sad, lonely, but have to pull them out and understand that those values become pretty much the way our mind and our behaviours create a life for us and when we’re not happy, or we feel disconnected we want to smack those values to make ourselves feel worse that’s why it’s important to know what they are
It helps us find where you want to belong what’s your sense of connection and what those values might look like
Are you ready to kick into this?

Jemma Sbeg
Dee has brought a set of values cards, each card has a value and definition on it.

Charity
Authenticity, because who wants to be fake?

Deidre Anderson
To be genuine, to be true, to be who you are.

Jemma Sbeg
You can do this without cards, you can find a list of values online, or you can just make your own list.
A good way to do it is to choose 20 values that resonate with you.
They can be things you value, like wealth or family, or they can be character traits - honesty or kindness.

Deidre Anderson
So these two are honestly, that’s going to go on the very important, and what’s the other one?

Jemma Sbeg
Then you break the list down to your top ten, your top five and then finally choose three or four core values that represent you.
If you just try to name your three values, it’s not as thorough or authentic.

Deidre Anderson
So that’s your foundation of who you are.

Charity
I feel like this is selfish and I don’t know why I feel like they’re selfish.

Deidre Anderson
You don't have to judge them, you don’t have to stand up for them, right now you’re just getting to understand yourself, so it’s other people's voices you’re hearing not your own. There's nothing selfish about wanting to lead and be a role model to others, nothing at all, there’s nothing selfish about being genuine real and true, there’s nothing selfish about being committed, trustworthy and reliable to others there’s nothing selfish about being respectful and standing up for your rights. Nothing spells selfishness in that in fact it’s the opposite, it’s giving to others.

Charity
Charitable from charity.

Jemma Sbeg
This internal work is powerful, and an important part of figuring out who we want to be in this world.
It’s also a way of breaking past habits, like the habit of keeping yourself hidden away or hanging out with people who don’t necessarily fit your values.
We’re about to check in with Holly and her mentor Tessa.
Holly’s studying counselling, and Tessa is a counsellor, so their sessions do get a little more therapy-like than everyone else’s.

Tessa Blencowe
There's elements of counselling that I will bring in, because there's strategies that, you know, we use in counselling for a reason they work, they're great, you know, there's real value in that. And so I definitely will be able to draw from that. But at the same time, there's more about my story and my own learnings that I can share those perspectives on. Because Holly, and I have a lot of similarities. And because we have a lot of shared goals as well that we want, for our futures, I can bring a bit more of myself to that. And that's really exciting. That's a fun space to be in.

Jemma Sbeg
Here’s Tessa and Holly talking about how to build the skills that will help us all connect a little bit better.

Tessa Blencowe 
There's an element of all this, that's really normal. Doesn't necessarily make it easier. But there's an element of it, that is also you know, part of just how tumultuous these particular years of your life are.

Holly
Yeah, and it's not spoken about and hearing that I go, okay, it's not just me. It's that building of it and not being able to go, “hey, it was really nice hanging out.” Saying that just starts making me want to sweat, that makes me really anxious... Like the thought of actually being vulnerable to someone and like, the fear of rejection, the fear of someone ghosting. That just terrifies me. Is that?.

Tessa Blencowe
Yeah, it's super common. I want to ask more about this but also, you just share whatever you want and if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.

Holly
Amazing, hit me.

Tessa Blencowe
I'm curious to know what sits underneath that fear of rejection. Because the worst case scenario is they don't want to be your friend and then you’re where you were because they're not your friend. So I guess I wonder, I guess I'm interested to know why that might prevent you from being able to do it anyway. Because the reality is that like, yes that’s possible. But it’s also possible if I don’t do anything. How does it progress?

Holly
How long have you got? In primary school, we're gonna go back all the way back there. I got so badly bullied.

Tessa Blencowe
Me too.

Holly
And when people say your inner child work, I say don’t I’ll cry. I got so severely bullied, just horrific. And in the moment when I was younger, it didn't ever really affect me. Well, I don't think it did. Yeah, it upset me a lot. But you don't know any difference.
But it's stuck with me. Like, how I felt about myself, like when I was younger, like this little, six, seven year old with a little turtle neck just running around the playground trying to make friends, that's how I still feel now. And that's, I think, what I'm terrified of. I'm terrified of going up to someone that I've met and going, hey, let's hang out. Trying to build it and still feeling like that little kid and still feeling like everyone else is going to treat me the same way probably. And I've had so many experiences in my life where that hasn't happened. But you know, you might have one or two where it kind of reinforces how you felt about yourself back then. So that's probably where it comes from.

Tessa Blencowe
I mean, I relate to that, entirely. I really struggled with bullying when I was young, so much so that I went to high school when no one knew me and I started again.

Holly
That's what I did. I went somewhere and I cut my hair. I went somewhere where literally no one knew me.

Tessa Blencowe
Yeah, and that stuff does stick with you. It does. You don't want it to, but it does. You don’t want it to, but it does, it can really stick with you and linger.

Jemma Sbeg
In their next session, Holly and Tessa will look at some strategies to manage this feeling. We’ll hear about that soon.
But first, let’s check in with Aleks and his mentor Barry.
In the last episode, we heard how Aleks found his perfectionism was blocking him from seeing friends, or looking after himself.

Aleks
Do I ever feel like relaxing? Honestly never. I feel it, sometimes, but only when I’m really burnt out. Last night, for example, I was so exhausted, that I left uni early and came home. And this is the kind of experience I have when I try to unwind, I get to my room, and I have no idea what to do – absolutely no idea.
What about you? It feels like you have a strong awareness of the things that you love in your life, how did you find these things? How do you make sure you’re able to sustain yourself so that you can keep doing these things that you love? Because that’s something I really struggle with.

Barry Conrad
Growing up in an environment that was not amazing, with my family. My father was quite verbally abusive – not physically, but verbally and emotionally abusive. We  almost were not enough, that we could not be anything. My way of dealing with that was retreating and leaning on the things that I love which was music and acting and performing and writing. So I’d keep journals, I’d do the school play, or write a song. And as soon I saw there could be merit in taking that further, I ran.

When I was about 19, I told my dad that ‘well I want to act and sing’, and he looked at me, stopped what he was doing, and said, ‘Are you dreaming?’ And that was fuel for me to just leave. I knew that if I stayed, I wouldn’t survive within myself.

So I ran with that. Initially, in hindsight, I overcompensated a lot by being performative. I was a huge perfectionist, to the point where, Aleks it would cripple me to make any decision if I knew I couldn’t control the outcome. Working through that has been a massive, for lack of better words, journey for me. But coming out on the other side, and being able to contextualise it, putting it into perspective, that has been freeing and now I am able to enjoy what I love without the baggage of needing to do it to leave that environment. That was gasoline in the tank in the beginning, but now I can truly feel that freedom

It was interesting what you said that you found it challenging to do ordinary or normal things like going to the pub or hanging out with friends or watching a Netflix show.  Do you have any order to your day? Meaning, do you wake up go ‘let me just fill this day with as many things as possible, work wise? Or do you plan it in advance? Do you not find any benefit in planning some gaps?

Aleks
I feel like I have tried to schedule my days, but it never works, because I think my way of engaging with the world is so intense that I can’t interrupt it sometimes. And if am like ‘okay, I’ll do seven hours of work today’, I’ll get to the seventh hour, and I’ll be like ‘there is more to do’ – so I’ll do another three hours and I’ll be like ‘there’s more’ and I will keep going until I am literally a shell, and I can’t think properly. Like I go outside, and I run into someone and I’ll have forgotten how to speak. That level of commitment, that’s how intense the focus has been, that I’ll have to reintegrate myself into society.
So I imagine that boundaries around how much work a person allows themselves todo each day is really important. Otherwise, if you were given the option, surely you would sing and act and spend time with people all day every day.
Do you have a routine? I feel like you have a routine.

Barry Conrad
Why do you say that?

Aleks
Because you have a really clear idea of the things that you love in your life. I feel like if you have a really clear idea of those things, you’re going to prioritise them.

Barry Conrad
I do have a plan every day. I find more freedom within structure. So for me, knowing that I am like that, I like to have structure. Because otherwise, then, I can’t be productive.  But that is how I focus best for me in a way that is healthy. I feel that if I stay too long with things, it takes me out of connection – it can make me self-critique. Because I have that old-perfectionism’ thing from way back, and if I allow that to creep in, I don’t want that.
I would also say to you, throwing my 2 cents in there, done is better than perfect.

I try to zoom out of my life. When I feel stifled or isolated or overwhelmed by my own choice to do all these things. I try to zoom out and go, hold on,‘is there anyone asking me to do this? Is this necessary?’ ‘Is this affecting my wellbeing, emotionally and physically?’ ‘My relationships?’ It is important to ask myself those questions, because if any of those answers are not great, then I have to change it. As you said, you’re self-directed, you could basically take it wherever you want. But I learnt the hard way, and I still do - when the clock’s up, the time is up. And the same diligence and determination that you have, I know you can do that. Because, a lazy person can’t do the things that you’re doing – it takes a lot of willpower and determination.

One thing that I would love to encourage you to do is throw some of that the other side of the scale. Put down your laptop and flail your arms around and think, ‘I am not going to touch my laptop, it’s 7pm, I have nothing due in the morning, I am going to meet so-and-so for dinner, even if I feel like a shell, even I don’t know how to speak anymore, I’m just going to make myself do that.’  Does that answer your question?

Aleks
It does.

Jemma Sbeg
Holly and Tessa live in different states, so this time they’re catching up online.

Tessa Blencowe
Hello, nice to see you. How are you feeling after our first  session?

Holly
Pretty good, it was really good, it’s been an eye opening experience I think.

Tessa Blencowe
I always feel that talking about these types of topics you leave the day feeling connected and we’re talking about loneliness and when you have that conversation you end up feeling connected after even talking about loneliness is an antidote in of itself.

Holly
I definitely felt seen and validated, I think.

Tessa Blencowe
You said there were certain things that you were coming back to. What were the crystallising ideas and thoughts you kept coming back to?

Holly
I think for me it was drawing it back to primary school and being bullied and thinking and framing how I show up now and how that experience impacts on who I am now, It sort of brought up the piece around maybe the role I play in  struggling with connection and it not just being an external thing.
Makes me think maybe I’m not giving myself the full opportunity to make new friends to connect with people, because it’s starting internally and I’m not even allowing myself to get to the point of making friends because there is the sub conscious of that inner child that is stopping me from getting to that starting point maybe.

Tessa Blencowe
We’re made up of different parts of yourself and sometimes there is a more dominant voice that speaks up, and sometimes that is the scared voice or that inner critic or whatever you want to call it . If it is a younger version of yourself that’s speaking up if you were to externalise her, if that little girl was in the room with us we wouldn’t ignore her or shut the door in her face. We would tell her she doesn’t matter or tell her how her feeling was wrong. We'd probably have a different conversation if we acknowledged she was there and acknowledged she was afraid. That’s the kind of thinking that maybe is a good place to start for you. If you were to externalise her that part of yourself and you notice her speaking what conversation would you have? How would you give her what she needs while also recognizing that she is the child and she needs to be led.

I wonder what it would mean in terms of a first strategy in terms of having that kind of a conversation so bringing awareness to her voice when you hear her and if you want to call her little H or what you want to call her. And so firstly there's the awareness piece unless we are noticing and are able to notice when that part of our self is speaking up or is reacting then it can be really hard to have that conversation and it doesn’t have to notice her in the moment, it can be the following day  or a few days after when you’re reflecting back on what happened. But I think maybe the invitation is to start to acknowledge when little H is the one speaking and start to have a conversation with her, externalise her. Does that sound abstract? Or does that sound like something?

Holly
I think sounds exciting in a weird way, I’d be keen to do that.

Tessa Blencowe
You can create structure around it, you can have certain questions that you want to reflect on. Sometimes, some people when they do this in a writing context, some people can switch hands, so your dominant hand the one you normally write with is your adult voice and the child you switch hands and write with your left hand. Holly I’ve never heard of that before, so that challenges the perfectionism in me as well which is.

Sean Szeps
Hello Tim.

Tim
Hello Sean.

Sean Szeps
How are you, it’s nice to see your pretty face.

Tim
It’s good to see you again.

Jemma Sbeg
Tim and his mentor Sean are catching up online every week.

Tim
A lot has happened, I feel like in a span of a week which is crazy. I've spoken with you about it a little bit, I’ve got some snippets. It's been an interesting week to say the least.

Sean Szeps
We  should tell everyone that we have been in contact - messaging online, sharing pictures and moments, sharing fears and anxieties - why did you originally message me? What did you have to tell me, let’s loop everyone in

Tim
I was going out on Saturday I was so scared going out on Saturday and I’d just been having a bad day in general with work and everything. And the funny thing is we went out clubbing I told you,  we were going to Poof Doof which is one of the most famous gay clubs in Melbourne and I was like oh my god, it’s like the most popular it's going to be busy and crazy and then it was kind of dead this week.

Sean Szeps
I’ll be honest I get this message, you’re like I’m really nervous, I’m going to this place, and I’m like oh which one are you going to and you say Poof Doof and I’m like is this the type of immersion theory we’re going to do are we going from 0 to 100. So it’ nice to hear that it was a little more dead - there was a lot of anxiety around it. We had a conversation about what would help you, dressing up, going in drag, light make up or jus going in normal clothes and I’m happy it wasn’t super busy because if it was insane maybe all of your fears would be proven true.

Tim
At first my boyfriend was like you go without me but I was like please go with me, please don’t make me go alone I want you to go as well which was good, him coming out I think really helped a lot. If it wasn't him there I would have got into the front of the club and I would have gone, alright, I made it this far and goodbye.

Sean Szeps
I think that’s a good observation. I think there’s a negative wrap put on people who aren’t comfortable being by themselves, You hear that alot online, like “You need to be comfortable with being alone” “If you can’t go to a movie by yourself then you don’t love yourself enough”. I disagree with that, I think setting a boundary for yourself and knowing what is going to make situations for you more enjoyable is an important part of working with your mental health. And  so acknowledging you want him to there is fine I think it’s great and he’s a safety blanket and guess what, my husband’s a safety blanket too. I think that can be a beautiful way to inch yourself into more outings.

Tim
Funnily enough celebrating my friend’s birthday going to the club, that was not the highlight for me, that was the worst part. The best part of the night was going home before me and my partner got in the uber. After the club we were walking and these three trans girls were coming up to the intersection where we were and waiting for the crossing and I overheard them talking.  Like one was saying, “no you look beautiful, you look fine,” I think it was her first time out presenting as female so it was a big thing and so as we were crossing the road in my head, I was like I need to say something, and I turned around and I said “You girls are gorgeous, don’t listen to anyone, you’re beautiful” and we had this conversation and they said we were at a club and some guys tried to hit on them and when they got rejected they did the move of you’re just you’re just a couple of blokes in wigs anyway like noone cares and they felt so unsafe that they left the club and one girl was ready to go home, because she didn’t want to be there any more she just wanted to give up and I was just like “Don’t let them affect you, just remember to be yourself.”

Sean Szeps
This is really interesting. There's a lot that of really beautiful moments here that are really relevant to your own story. I don’t know if you feel this way, but It’s often much easier to help other people than yourself, easier to give advice than to take it.
It would be easier if you’re trans especially right now to stay at home, to not go into public, not go into bars. Easy to allow the anxious thoughts in your head to stop you from living and it’s relevant to your story, which is that there are a lot of stories in our heads, rackets that stop us from putting one foot stories and taking a step out. And the fact that you, as someone who has been lonely and maybe a little anxious about going out and that you were the mentor to those women is such a thing that you can hold onto because you have power to help other people feel more comfortable. And sometimes this is what I do, I replace my voice with someone who loves and supports me and in that moment you were that voice for them, they don’t have to be afraid because there will be supportive people, they don’t need to be  anxious about not being beautiful enough because someone like Tim came up to them to remind them. And if you can be that person in your head for yourself sometimes. Everything you just said to them. “No you are the moment, you are beautiful, don’t listen to anyone.” It feels like a very powerful moment to have happened just a week after we chatted.

Tim
It was good, and it’s so funny how you can say these things to other people but not yourself. It's so right, I feel like if someone came up to me and was homophobic I wouldn’t have stood up for myself as I stood up for these trans girls.

Sean Szeps
This reminds me of an exercise I’ve done with my therapist before which is like compassionate letter writing. I don’t know if you're the type of person who likes to journal, you can just do it with your boyfriend, you can do it with your friends. But you actually just lived it and this moment left you feeling good, so this exercise might be useful in the future. We’re often bad at being compassionate to ourselves but we can to someone else which clearly you have proven.

So you have a conversation when you’re feeling anxious or nervous through the lens of someone who’s capable of being very compassionate to you.  And at that moment, what would Tim say? Like for example, you’re nervous about going out this week. You don’t want to go, you want to cancel. It’d be easier to cancel. What would Tim say to those amazing trans women, Tim would say “ You need to go out, you deserve it, you’re beautiful, why do other people get to go out and not you?” You say all those things you would say, and you say it to yourself. You can say “I can have a compassionate conversation to me” And maybe it will encourage you to take the next step.

Jemma Sbeg
Remember Tessa’s suggestion that Holly try talking with her five year old self, Little H?
Well, here’s how it went.

Holly
You know what, I felt a lot of resistance around doing it before I started. I found myself putting it off, and doing anything I could to not to do it, which is odd for me, I’m not like that with those sorts of things usually, and when I ended up doing it, I’ve heard people in the past say you know on podcasts or things like that say “I started crying, I felt such a release”. And I didn’t get to the point of crying but I felt really, there was a lot of emotion that actually came up for me, so yeah it was , I pulled a few things from it, as I was writing I was like I didn’t know I felt like that then or now. It was a great thing to do, I only did it once but I kept going. I was possessed, I was writing for my inner child with my left hand and you should see the pages they’re just diagonal lines of writing I can barely read. There were 3 pages I couldn’t read it was like a floodgate had opened and I kept writing.

Tessa Blencowe
There’s something about being able to challenge that part when we know it’s not our complete self, sometimes when we’re dealing with these internal thoughts or fears or assumptions we feel like it’s all of us, and so it’s like how can I challenge myself with myself. But that’s why thinking in parts can be really of benefit, we contain multitudes. There are so many parts of us it and when we can have different conversations with different parts of us, it allows us to bring different voices into it and it means we can challenge some of these ways of thinking,  rather than thinking this is who I am, this is everything about be and I can’t change that.

Jemma Sbeg
Barry has offered up a few different strategies to help Aleks prioritise connection.

Aleks
After my last catch up with Barry one thing we discussed was trying to plan. So like I use a calendar, it's a pretty normal thing to do but I only put things to do with other people or job-related things in the calendar. I don't plan the time that I'm spending alone. One thing that Barry suggested was trying to plan the hours in the day not like in a really kind of micro managerial way but just being like ok for these 3 hours I'm going to do this thing or go for a run at this time.
So I guess this has been something that I have been trying to do and it's been really hard because it involves a pretty big change in my attitude towards how I spend my time instead of it being this kind of free association thing,  And so that’s helpful, it means that I can keep track of like tasks and stuff.

Jemma Sbeg
Now that Dee’s helped Charity to work out what she values, she’s starting to take her into the next step of self discovery.

Deidre Anderson
So here we go a little bit more into that self understanding. What about, if we talk about things you are good at, what about skills?

Charity
I don’t know my skills, that’s the whole point of self discovery, what are my skills, what are my strengths?

Deidre Anderson
I've Only known you for half an hour or so, I can already see some skills in you. One of your skills is that you’re very passionate. Passion is only helpful if you can direct it to something.

Charity
Otherwise you’re standing around the ditch, skipping.

Deidre Anderson
You’re also, I’m going to give you a couple - you’re very passionate you’re very I’m picking up you’re very people oriented. You can’t have this beautiful personality and not share it.

Charity
It’s hard though because the whole authenticity and loyalty and trust thing has been so, that’s why I hide myself because I seem to always attract the wrong people all the time and because I attract the wrong people I suppose I haven’t learnt my lessons I was supposed to learn but I think me hiding for as long as I did and understanding that I don’t need certain connections.

Deidre Anderson
I think you’ll find that you’ll start to attract a very different type of person when you’ve worked this out because straight away you’ll think “Ah they just don’t - they’re not honest.”

Jemma Sbeg
Holly and Tessa are also focussing inward as a way to help Holly find her path to connection.

Holly
I don’t want to feel like a product on my circumstances I want to feel empowered in myself.

Tessa Blencowe
Where do you think that power comes for you.

Holly
Knowing I'm enough to know the things I value and the things that matter to me I don't have to justify them, that’s me. Allowing that to actually come out on in relationships not being scared of myself not being scared of a version that people might see that is too much or not enough.

Tessa Blencowe
Really stepping into your spotlight and stepping into yourself. It feels like you leaning into your strength. And your strength of character feels like a really important right now, and an important part of this process for you I do have an initiation of an exercise for you it can be vulnerable and powerful which I think I may have said to you with lots of things we’ve done. It’s vulnerable but it’s powerful.

Holly
That can be my motto. I'm here. I'm doing this if I didn’t want to be vulnerable I don’t think I’d be where I am right now.

Tessa Blencowe
If power and empowerment comes from me trusting I’m enough that’s says to me, and correct me if I’m wrong, knowing and believing in my strength and knowing and believing in my worth, and so then our way to power is making sure that’s we’re working on that part. Does that make sense. Is that true for you?

The exercise is - it can be a beautiful exercise to do, but basically if you think of 3-4 people who you’re close with and who know you. You ask them to share with you five strengthens they see in you, and you do the same for them. It can be really beautifully connecting exercise because it’s nice to hear  your strengths from someone else. But it can also broaden up our own perspective of how other people see us, some of the strengths you might be I knew that about myself but others you might be oh that is a strength I didn’t know I had that, But having that perception and being clearer on that perception on how those who love you see you is a powerful way of knowing and trusting in our own strengths.

Tessa Blencowe
Does that sound like an exercise you’d be able to do?

Holly Yeah, it feels terrifying but I can do it.

Jemma Sbeg
This link between the internal experience and our relationships with the people around us is crucial.
We need to know who we are and what we bring to the world so that we can be our best selves.

Deidre Anderson
I don’t mind focusing on yourself, being the best version of yourself as long as you work out- how do I now put that back into the good of society and that’s where gratitude comes in, making a contribution to others. If you don’t close that loop off then loneliness will be a consequence of that I believe. Maybe that’s part of the shift in it’s all about me. Well it could be about me but only so I can be better at what I do, helping other people not being better for the sake of myself. And I don’t think human nature wants to isolate themselves from the community, we’re tribal, we nest, we interact with people because it brings out the best in us.

The more lonely and isolated we become from that, the less happier we are, the less able we are to do things for other people. As soon as we can push ourselves back into that tribal thinking the more grateful we become about what we are good at and the more we want to help each other.

Charity
Thankyou for your time, I appreciate it.

Deidre Anderson
It’s a pleasure, I’m very excited to be working with you. I think we’ll end up having a lot of fun.

Charity
I hope so.

Deidre Anderson
Nice to meet you. Take care.

Jemma Sbeg
In the next episode we’ll start to turn that focus outwards, to move into the world with a bit more confidence.

Ian Hickie
Sometimes you have to find the environment in which you better fit in, in which your quiet nature or you're not so quiet nature, or your long attention span or your short attention span is actually beneficial to that particular environment where it's a good mix with others, to produce a collective outcome. Tim So it’s currently 5:42 in the morning and I’ve been out clubbing tonight and I do feel so lonely and isolated

Sean Szeps
You're transitioning out of your club kid phase and into your big kid gay phase.

Holly
The question kept coming up “Am I that person for other people that I want for myself?” And I’m not.

Charity
But yeah, there’s a bigger world out there than the one I live in.

Jemma Sbeg
If this show has raised any issues for you, there are always places to turn, such as Lifeline on 13 11 14; BeyondBlue.com.au; and ReachOut.com, which offers dedicated support for young people.
For more information and tips to help you if you’re feeling lonely, visit wearelonely.com.au.
We are Lonely is produced as part of Medibank’s ten year commitment to addressing loneliness.
I am Jemma Sbeg.
This show was produced and edited by Liz Keen and Simon Portus from Headline Productions.
Our theme music is by Kenneth Lampl.
Fact Checking by Jessica Choong and our team psychologist is Alison Howarth.
Our junior Producer is Monika Vidugiryte.
Our team from Medibank include Karen Oldaker, Nigel Davis and Demi Michael.
Project and Production Management by Nick Randall and Robert Ranieri from Ranieri and Co.